It is a long holiday for Malaysians with the end of the SEA Games, 60th Merdeka celebration and Aidil Adha which is the celebration for Muslims. The Sea Games showed 145 medals to Malaysia which to the disgruntled neighbours seemed unfair and unjust. However, I must say, despite the complaints, we are seeing more and more talented athletes in Malaysia who train hard and being coached by world class athletes. It is sports after all, the idea was suppose to bring nations together not create more rifts. Anyway, congratulations to all the winners, until the next sporting event.
Malaysia reached its 60th year of Independence and became known initially as Tanah Malaya and later combined with Sabah and Sarawak to form Malaysia 3 years later. With so many changes done to our history text books and too many public holidays, plus the Sea Games closing, perhaps has made the celebration a little bit more dampened. I was expecting a bit more hype but as we know, Malaysia’s politics is perhaps not at its best especially with the elections looming. But lets not discuss politics. It has always been a topic of taboo in my family. My interest was piqued reading a piece of poetry written by Marina Mahathir about our 60th year of Independence that was circulating around Facebook. Despite claiming herself not being a poet, it was a good one. What do I think about Malaysia now as compared to before?
Despite being a young country, I think we have done quite good as an Independent country. We are more modernised with MRT system just introduced, digital infrastructures and good healthcare as compared to other developing countries. We have high level skilled professionals like myself and strong private sector. But if you look closely, personally I feel like the people are not as happy as Malaysians use to be. The cost of living has risen dramatically. Imagine a 20-30% yearly price increase that occurs within a couple of years. But our salaries remain the same. Our taxes increase and despite the promises of cleaning up all the corruption, there is still a lot of money being spread around to support political ideations but unfortunately being used for personal interests. The Ringgit has weakened to a state that most of us has never seen thus making us feel the pinch more. But perhaps the worst decline is the attitude of our society. I think what we are really experiencing is what the American’s call the American dream but this is more of the Malaysian dream. Everyone wants the big title, the house, the car, the bling that we forget our core values of being Malaysian. We forget family values, we forget to respect and how to accept differences. We dream a lot more than we work and almost every Tom, Dick & Harry on the street wants to be an entrepreneur. Yes, being an entrepreneur is good, but it takes a lot of learning and sacrifice but how many are really willing to sacrifice? We become selfish and believe that we are entitled to everything around us, thus being rude to other people is okay because you are entitled. I think it is time we all need to take a blue pill and come back to reality. What is the point of modern infrastructure if we have degraded morality? What is the point of chasing all the wealth if the family institution has disintegrated? We are 60 years into Independence, maybe we should start thinking of creating a better culture in our society. We can start with ourselves and our families. Simple things like throwing rubbish in the right place, practising good hygiene everywhere we go, respecting nature and reducing our own carbon footprint by reducing waste. We can start smiling and treating people with politeness as how we use to regardless whether they are the janitor, the waiter, a boss or a colleague. We should inculcate love and respect in families, among friends and stop tongue wagging and degrading other people. In my culture, a lot of people say that some people have a bad tongue but in their hearts they are actually good people. I beg to differ. The fact that you can spew out painful degrading remarks shows how much you actually do not care about how your words affect people, means that it is in you. You may be good in other things, but what you say and how you act actually portray a part of you. I guess if everybody decided to look into their own morals and improve it, then perhaps in the next 10 years to come, we would be a lot happier with better culture.
Last Friday was Aidil Adha celebration where the pilgrimage of Haj. It is to mark the sacrifice of Abraham and Muslims around the world offer their sacrifices in form of good live cattle to be distributed among the families and the needy. It is also a time to reflect back and thing about our lives as a whole and make resolutions for the future. This year, I sacrificed something dear to me. A love. It was a man who came to me after a prayer and we both fell instantly in love with each other but then we broke up after the relationship underwent a strain. We remained as friends but it was really confusing because we had really strong emotions for each other. We stopped talking for awhile and I told myself to move on, and then we started talking to each other again and despite treating him like a friend I was hurting because I really loved him a lot, and this just friends relationship was killing me. I wanted more. I wanted a life partner. But he wasn’t ready to commit himself to anyone and that was the problem. It is so frustrating to love a person that makes every cell in your body pulsate but refuses to be with you. And when I’m frustrated, things do not get done. Thus, the long hiccup from my writing
So after thinking it over, I decided to let go. It took me months, but I think this is the right decision and the right time. At least I understand better what he is going through, and I understand better what I am going through. Initially I let go pretty harsh and I felt bad. He was upset with what I wrote, I felt it even though we have at least 3 continents separating us. So I apologised and explained to him about what I was really thinking. I loved talking to him and knowing about him but then I have to do a reality check that we are not in relationship and that we may not end up together and it depresses me. Yes, a lot of people tell me to move on but how do you move on when all your subconscious feelings and senses are linked to this one person? It is impossible, as I am by nature monogamous (all women are by the way, men are biologically designed to be polygamous). By still being in contact with him, it sort of wires my brain of a possibility of being together that may never occur, and that itself is already a damaging idea to have. In the end I may end up without him, alone and with wasted years. Plus my biological clock is ticking, so my dreams of having another child would surely not come to existence. Plus the feeling of guilt every time I go out on a date nags at my soul, and makes me feel more miserable. You get the picture. It was not an emotionally healthy state to be in. I explained to him that it was just like a child and her favourite toy. You tell the child, you cannot play with the toy and you put the toy on a tall cupboard. The child will always try to get the toy. She would cry, beg, or even attempt to climb the cupboard and may injure herself or break the toy. In the end, nobody benefits. But if you hid the toy, the child would stop asking after awhile because she stops seeing it, and then she would discover other toys around her. Someday, she may find that hidden toy, and if she still fancies it, and it is not broken, she would keep it and perhaps she would appreciate the toy better because she has learnt about other toys and now she understands value. She might find a better toy than the hidden one and forget completely about the hidden toy, but hey, that’s just a chance we all have to take.
So now I let go out of love, and I feel better. I still pray that my God looks after him, even though I am not there anymore. Maybe someday we will meet again, and we can laugh about this episode that caused so much pain and suffering to both of us. The good memories, I will keep with me. For him, I actually made it into a nice album of all the adventures we had for his birthday this year. He loved it. Little that he knew, when I first starting to compile the album for 100 pages, it was actually our goodbye gift. Later, it turned into a gift of love. I hope he keeps it safe.
Kids are starting to wake up and I have to go on with my duties. It is already September and hopefully my blog writing will be smooth sailing from today onwards. I have so many things to write on, new technologies, new treatments and new facts about old ones that I can’t wait to share with everyone. Have a good Monday peeps.